


Street Smarts

by Rlybro



Series: Basically a Stark [3]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)
Genre: Crack Fic, Gen, Peter gets mugged, references to John Mulaney bc that man is hilarious
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-11
Updated: 2019-03-11
Packaged: 2019-11-15 18:52:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18078998
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rlybro/pseuds/Rlybro
Summary: Well, Peter thought. Here goes nothing. He slowly took his wallet out of his pocket. Peter knew that the mugger’s attention was fixed on the wallet, which was exactly what he was counting on. Peter took a deep breath and threw the wallet somewhere behind the mugger. ‘STREET SMARTS!’ He yelled.____________________In which Peter gets mugged but everything works out in the end





	Street Smarts

**Author's Note:**

> So this idea just popped into my head and I just kinda rolled with it. 
> 
> have fun

‘Hey, Peter!’ Ned greeted as he arrived at Peter’s locker. ‘You wanna come over tomorrow? My dad got promoted last week and he bought me the Avengers Lego set! It includes the old Avengers tower _and_ two quinjets!’

‘Holy shit! That’s so cool!’ Peter gushed as he slammed his locker shut. ‘But I can’t come over tomorrow though’, he said, remembering his plans. ‘Mister Stark invited me upstate this weekend.’

‘Oh’, Ned said, his shoulders slumped down and he looked away for a moment. ‘It’s okay’, he told Peter with a small smile. ‘I understand. It’s hard being a superhero, and you need to train to keep up with the others. We can build the tower another time.’ Peter hated to disappoint Ned. He was grateful that Ned understood how important being Spider-Man was for him. His best friend’s support really meant a lot to him. But he still felt terrible whenever he had to cancel their plans.

‘We can have a sleepover next weekend’, Peter suggested. ‘We’ll start with the Lego set and I can bring the robot Mister Stark and I made. The robot itself is almost done, but we’ve barely started on the programming part and I thought that you’d like to do that since you’re way better at it than me.’

Ned perked up. ‘Oh my god, really?! You’re the _best_ best friend ever!’ Ned squealed as he pulled Peter into a tight hug. ‘Oh, and I was thinking that maybe we could DIY a Spider-man Lego figure so you won’t be left out and perhaps a tiny man in the chair because we’re a team, right?’

‘Yeah, definitely!’ Peter answered. They made their way through the corridor and Peter smiled as he listened to his friend ramble about his plans for their next sleepover. ‘Hey, does Spider-man have a trademark?’ Ned asked suddenly. ‘I mean, he has to because I haven’t seen _any_ Spider-man merch _anywhere._ ’

Peter thought about it for a moment. ‘I’m…not sure? I haven’t even thought about that. I could ask Mister Stark about it. Or Pepper. She handles all the business stuff.’

‘You know, you should definitely start selling the rights if you do’, Ned continued. ‘And I’m not just saying this because I want a Spider-man hoodie. But imagine all the cool toys there would be! Masks, Halloween costumes, little web-shooters… And besides, you can make a _shit-ton_ of money out of this! You could go to _any_ university in the country _without selling kidneys to pay off your student loans afterward._ You could also use it to help May out, I know you worry about it a lot.’

Peter beamed at his friend. ‘That’s a really good idea! I’ll go talk to Mister Stark about it when I’m at the compound.’

Ned huffed proudly. ‘That’s why I’m your guy in the chair. I’m the mastermind behind the scenes!’ They laughed and joked as they exited the school. ‘Hey, isn’t Happy picking you up today?’ Ned asked when they walked through the empty parking lot.

‘Yeah, but apparently there’s some road construction going on and he had to park a couple of blocks away’, Peter answered.

‘Oh okay’, Ned shrugged. ‘You going left?’

‘No, right’, Peter said. ‘I’ll see you on Monday!’

‘See ya!’

Peter put his headphones on and checked his phone to double check he was going the right way. His head snapped up when he felt his spidey sense tingle, but before he could react, someone grabbed him by the arm and dragged him into an ally. He was thrown onto the ground and his head hit a metallic fence. Peter looked up and saw a man, probably in his twenties, dressed in a hoodie with his hood up and baggy sweats. _A stereotypical criminal_ , Peter thought. He picked up his headphones from the ground and hung them around his neck. ‘Give me your backpack, kid’, the man growled. ‘C’mon man’, Peter sighed. ‘Do we really have to do this?’ The man pulled a knife out of his pocket and Peter froze. He could easily defeat the guy in front of him, but he was just Peter at the moment, not Spider-man. He couldn’t web the guy to the wall and he didn’t want to risk hurting the guy by knocking him out. But he also couldn’t run away because there was a ten-foot fence behind him and the mugger was blocking his path. ‘ _Hurry up!’_ The man spat. There was no way that Peter was giving up his backpack. His Spider-Man suit was in there. ‘Look, man, I don’t want any trouble’, Peter said with his hands raised. ‘I only have a lunchbox in my backpack, but I can give you my wallet.’

The man squinted his eyes and Peter got a bit nervous. He had stopped a lot of muggings and robberies before, but he had never thought that it would happen to him. The man smirked. ‘Y’all fucking nerds are too fucking easy. You go to a fancy-ass school and you act all high and mighty. But look what happens when mommy and daddy aren’t here to pick you up. Welcome to the real world, you little shit.’ The man grabbed the bag that was lying near his feet while keeping an eye on Peter. He opened it and held it in front of Peter. Peter could see a couple of other phones and wallets in the bag. This guy must’ve robbed some other kids as well. ‘Now put your phone and wallet in the goddamn bag!’ The man ordered. _Yeah, no._ Peter thought. _Bad idea. Not gonna happen_. He had a plan. It wasn’t a very good plan, but it was a plan.

‘Okay’, Peter said, slowly lowering one arm. ‘I’m going to take my wallet out of my jacket. Don’t stab me. Please.’ He added for good measure. The guy seemed unimpressed. _Well,_ Peter thought. _Here goes nothing_. He slowly took his wallet out of his pocket. Peter knew that the mugger’s attention was fixed on the wallet, which was exactly what he was counting on. Peter took a deep breath and threw the wallet somewhere behind the mugger. ‘STREET SMARTS!’ He yelled. Peter heard the mugger let out a string of curses as he ran after the wallet and Peter wasted no time as he turned and climbed over the fence with ease. He could have jumped over it, but he didn’t want to risk being exposed. He dashed out of the alley, turned around the corner and duck into the first _abandoned_ alley he saw. He changed into his spider-suit in record time and webbed his bag to the wall. He used his web-shooter to climb up to the roof and raced over the rooftops to get back to the crime scene, hoping that the mugger would still be there. Peter jumped down and let out a breath of relief when he saw the mugger in front of the fence. He had his back turned towards Peter and he was… Mugging another kid? Jesus, the guy worked fast. _‘Oh come on!_ ’ Peter said exasperatedly. The mugger froze when he heard Peter. ‘Two kids in less than five minutes? What’s wrong with you, man?’

The man turned. ‘This is none of your business, _Spider-man’,_ he sneered. ‘Get outta here before you regret it.’

‘Tempting, but no’, Peter said. ‘You’re a criminal mugging a student, and I’m the friendly neighborhood superhero. You see the problem here? If I let you mug the kid, I’m going to get fired.’ The man was definitely getting irritated. He took a couple of steps towards Peter and pointed the knife at Peter in a way he must’ve thought was intimidating. ‘ _Get outta here._ ’ The man repeated. Peter looked at the small knife in the mugger’s hand. ‘Oh no, a knife!’ He said sarcastically. ‘What are you gonna do, stab me?’

That must’ve been the last straw. The guy leaped forward. Peter easily evaded the attack and disarmed the guy in a matter of seconds. He webbed the guy’s hand to the wall and, just like all other criminals do, the guy tried to pull the sticky web off. ‘That’s not going to work’, Peter told him. ‘If Captain America can’t get it off, neither can you. Sorry buddy, I don’t make the rules.’ Peter webbed the guy’s other hand to the wall as well and then his mouth as well when he started to cause a ruckus. Peter made sure the kid in the alley –who also turned out to be a student from Midtown- was okay before telling him to call the police. Peter then picked up the bag filled with stolen goods and checked the wallets for IDs. He recognized most of them as students from Midtown and decided that he was going back to school to drop it off there so the students can pick it up. Before he left he took a selfie with the kid from Midtown and handed him a small flask of dissolvent. ‘Give it to the police when they show up’, Peter told him. He started to leave them at the crime scene after the police officers started to complain about having to wait two whole hours before they could bring the bad guys in. And lastly, he walked over to the mugger who was webbed to the wall and said, ‘You know, mister criminal, you really shouldn’t take advantage of the construction work. People are trying to make this city a better place, and you’re really not helping by robbing the poor kids that have to make a detour.’ The guy said something inaudible and Peter shrugged. ‘Sorry, can’t hear what you’re saying with all that web in your mouth. Don’t worry though, it’ll dissolve soon enough.’

He had just dropped the bag off at Midtown’s reception when Karen announced that he had an incoming call from Happy. ‘I can’t pick up right now’, Peter said. ‘Tell him that I’ll be there in ten minutes, tops.’ Peter arrived at the alley where his stuff was thankfully still webbed to the wall. He dissolved the webbing and wore his clothes on top of his suit to save some time. Peter shoved his mask in his backpack before swinging it onto he back and hurried toward the parking spot Happy said he’d be.

‘What the hell took you so long?’ Happy asked when Peter slid into the backseat of the car. ‘Sorry’, Peter said. ‘I got mugged.’ Happy snapped his head toward Peter. ‘You got _what?_ ’

‘Don’t worry, though’, Peter told him. ‘I handled it pretty well, in my opinion. First I street-smarted him to throw him off his rhythm. Then I ran away, changed into my suit and headed back to the alley and webbed the guy up. I also took a selfie with a kid and brought all the other stuff the guy stole back to school since it all belonged to Midtown kids.’

Happy gave him a weird look for a moment and sighed. ‘I have no idea what you mean with that first part, but I don’t really care as long as you’re safe.’

‘You know’, Peter said as Happy pulled out of the parking spot, ‘you should totally check out the stand-up comedies on Netflix. They’re hilarious _and_ they teach you pretty good life lessons.’

‘I’ll send you a link’, Peter said when Happy didn’t reply. ‘But anyway, what are your opinions on Spider-man merch?’

**Author's Note:**

> :)
> 
> If you haven't seen John Mulaney: Kid Gorgeous at Radio City yet, go watch it.   
> It's amazing.


End file.
